By Matthew Spence
Field Journal of Dr. Eno Harp, Department of Pre-Fall Anthropology
Excavation Site Theta-Black
Year 942 A.R. (After Ruin)
Entry 1 — Initial Discovery
At last, a breakthrough. After three weeks of sifting through what appears to be a collapsed entertainment shrine (possibly religious), I unearthed a stack of rectangular, thin-bound artifacts. The covers are brightly colored, though flaking from radiation fade. One features a muscular man wearing undergarments outside his clothing.
I suspect this may have been a form of uniform.
The text, though barely legible, identifies the figure as Super Man. (Note: Title suggests a mythologized account of a superior human caste. Possibly propaganda.)
Assistant Jilo laughed at this theory but then Jilo also once tried to carbon-date his own hat, so I remain confident in my scholarly superiority.
Entry 2 — Further Examination of “Super Man”
More careful reading reveals Super Man possessed abilities such as “flight,” “invulnerability,” and “heat vision.”
This is fascinating.
It means either:
- The ancients believed their heroes were giant, airborne, laser-eyed demigods
OR - They actually were giant, airborne, laser-eyed demigods
Given everything else we’ve found—such as the “selfie-stick,” clearly a ritual spear to assert dominance in mating displays—Option 2 feels increasingly plausible.
Entry 3 — A Subgenre Discovered
The next artifact depicts a man dressed as a bat. A bat. As if the scholars of the pre-Fall world had no concept of mammalian anatomy.
He appears to have no actual bat features. No wings. No echolocation. No rabies foam. Instead, he is equipped with an array of technological tools. This implies the ancient animal known as a “bat” must have been an engineer of some renown, perhaps the guildmaster of tools. Or else the ancients were just very confused.
One page shows the man dangling a criminal upside down from a building. A gruesome punishment ritual? The text calls the criminal “The Joker,” a title suggesting he was perhaps a failed entertainer or mid-level politician.
Entry 4 — Unclear Moral Frameworks
We uncovered another text, labeled The X-Men.
The X likely stands for “exiled.” The depictions show humans who can shoot ice from their hands or control metal with their minds. These individuals appear to have been both revered and hated—typical of ancient societies, who routinely struggled with nuance. (See: The Great Fork vs. Spork Wars.)
One character, “Cyclops,” projects beams of energy from his eyes. This confirms my early hypothesis: The ancients either feared eyes or worshipped them.
I propose a new academic field: Optic Theology.
Entry 5 — The Spider Idol
Artifact Set C concerns a youth bitten by a spider who subsequently gains powers. The implication: Spiders were considered divine transmitters of strength, knowledge, or puberty.
Side note: The boy wears a full-body red garment with web motifs. Jilo claims it is “cool.” I reminded him that we are researchers, not critics, and that nothing designed before 215 A.R. qualifies as cool. He sulked and kicked a radioactive rock. I ignored this.
Entry 6 — Societal Reconstruction from Comics Alone
A preliminary reconstruction of ancient civilization, based entirely on these texts:
Cities were constantly attacked by giant lizards, alien invaders, and men with tragic childhoods.
Citizens responded by shrugging and going about their day.
Everyone wore capes (This explains the massive quantities of neck braces found in Layer Gamma).
I am beginning to believe the ancients had a casual relationship with destruction, possibly because they experienced it so frequently it no longer alarmed them. Much like our interns feel about losing limbs during excavation season.
Entry 7 — A Strange Pantheon Emerges
The most perplexing discovery is a crossover issue where the Super Man, the Bat Engineer Man, the Amazonian Warrior Woman, and several other mythic figures convene to discuss taxes.
This suggests that even godlike beings could not escape bureaucracy.
I find that comforting.
Entry 8 — Jilo’s Theory (Incorrect)
Jilo insists these artifacts were not literal histories or religious texts but rather “stories” meant for enjoyment.
Ridiculous.
If the ancients wanted enjoyment, they would have had access to the modern wonders of life such as:
- fermented mushroom broth
- watching dust storms
- arguing over whose radiation detector beeped first
Clearly, these “comics” were instructional manuals preparing the populace for their strange, violent world.
Entry 9 — A Personal Reflection
Despite myself, I’ve grown attached to these peculiar heroes. When I read of their bravery, their flaws, their insistence on wearing brightly colored tights during combat—it almost makes me wish I lived in their era.
Not really, of course. Their world ended in spectacular failure.
(Our world, by contrast, continues to fail but with admirable consistency.)
Still… there’s something deeply human in these pages. Something vibrant. Something hopeful.
Maybe that’s why they called them “comics.” To remind themselves to smile, even as everything was on fire.
Entry 10 — Final Report for Now
I will catalog this “Comic Pantheon” as a unified mythological tradition of the ancients. Future generations will benefit greatly from the wisdom herein:
- Courage matters.
- Power corrupts.
- Underwear belongs inside the pants.
Also:
If humanity ever recovers sufficiently to re-build cities, I recommend we avoid naming districts things like “Gotham” or “Metropolis.” Those seemed to attract trouble.
Tomorrow we excavate deeper. Jilo hopes we find more artifacts. I hope we find coffee.
End of field notes—pending further absurd discoveries.
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